You know, sometimes when women are pregnant, people say inappropriate things. Maybe give too many scary details about labor or tell them “you’ll never sleep again” and other things that are kind of overwhelming to someone who’s already committed. I’ve probably done that myself more than twice.
But you know what people don’t do? They don’t say “You will hate it,” “You will wish the baby had never been born,” “You might consider open adoption instead,” “I heard about this woman who killed her baby,” “He’ll undoubtedly disappoint you once he’s born,” “You’re going to screw this up.” You don’t hear that so much.
When people get married, again, lots of unsolicited advice, some of which is wildly inappropriate, but mostly not “Well, when you get divorced, you’re going to be pretty fucking broke for a while, so maybe you should learn some rice and beans recipes now.”
But that feels like ninety percent of what people say to me when I tell them my son is going into college. I mean, I posted here about my leap of faith, and the comments were fucking scary. No one said, “yay for faith” or “congratulations” or “you must be so proud,” and I really would have liked to hear that. I’m almost afraid to tell anyone now, because I hear all that scary stuff every day, from all manner of people.
Truly I don’t get it. I know it’s scary. And I know people are just sharing their own experiences and I appreciate that. But this is a vulnerable transition for us, a life passage, a time of celebration and rebirth and yes, fear. And damn if I wouldn’t love some support. And I have no right, really, to post my business all over the Internet and then scold people for their responses, but did I mention how I also blurt inappropriately? Yeah. So this is maybe one of those. But I just don’t understand why people are SO negative. Like it’s a mistake to go to college. Or to pay for it. Or to be excited about it. Or something. And this is like pregnancy, people. If you keep telling me this shit, the baby’ll be born cross-eyed or something.
I know I said nothing negative, but I didn’t say anything positive and I deeply apologize. I loved his prom pictures and his graduation pictures. I’ve been studying autism — 1/4 of my grandchildren and at least one 2nd cousin (I say at least one because I’m out of touch)
You and Arthur have partnered in a miracle. His growth, his accompl;ishments are only the latest steps in what will continue to be a great life. He will exceed your hopes.
I’m 27, so I’m not so far out of college. I had a whole long story here, but it was roughly as long as your post, so the summary is: College was hard for me, but not overwhelmingly so, just enough to give me something to push against. Making payment arrangements was not hard. My high school grades and ACT scores earned me a four-year scholarship, which helped a good deal, even if I spent six years in college and made some poor decisions about how much to take out in loans and how to spend the “extra”. College challenged me in every aspect of my life, and I came out of it a radically better person. College gave me the space to grow into the person I’m still becoming, and even though the student loan payments make me cringe, I would not trade the experience of college for the world, because I had so many opportunities to shape myself and create the life I wanted.
I don’t know what to say from a parental perspective, but I’m confident that Arthur will have a similar college experience — challenges and joys and opportunities to become a new, more wonderful person — which is scary, yeah, but exhilarating at the same time. I hope you both enjoy it.
Thank you!
It’s a way of dealing with one’s own fears, I think, to point out all the negative aspects of a thing.
I don’t know… college was totally worth it, to me. Sure, I’ll be in debt a while, and my parents will be in debt for a while. But it’s manageable debt. My parents are still putting my little brother through college, and they’re making house improvements and stuff like that… And I’m still paying on my loans (and will for a long while) but I’m doing well. Well enough that if I see you’ve got a new book out, I don’t feel guilty for buying it right then. 😉 [I resent my car payment far more than my student loan payment.] ^_^
It’s about priorities. And I think making education a high priority is absolutely a smart decision. Short-term, yeah, the debt hurts a bit, but long-term, it’s totally worth it… not just for the job prospects it opens up, but the way it changes a person, the way they think about problems and about the world, and the connections that one develops through it… I won’t say there’s *no* substitute, but it’d be really hard to substitute.
I have come to the conclusion that people blurt evil shit because the everyday stuff isn’t as exciting….
My friend, a bellydancer, had a baby. 3 hours of labor. That was it. She used dance moves to help wiggle the baby out faster. And she passes on the advice to other dancers, and it mostly works.
So there.
There. That’s my not evil shit story.
Oh. and I went to college when I was in my 40s. And survived.
Oh. And yay for faith. I’m sure Arthur will be just fine. And you too also.
I’ll share the conversation that Ray and I had yesterday on this very topic.
I told Ray I was worried because I knew how much you would miss Arthur when he went off to college, despite how glad you’ve said you are to see him off. I told him I knew this because I was going to miss him too and I’m not even his Mom.
We both concurred that Arthur is a brillant kid and that he was going to do great in college and be wildly successful in whatever he decided to do.
Hope that’s a little less evil 🙂
No evil here!
I don’t have a personal “debt for education works out” story (state school, practically free), but my crazy mentor has a good one. He’s got five degrees, three of which are graduate. (“Leap of faith” in the singular seems to have very little meaning compared to that!) I asked him about his student loans, to which he replied that he intended to die before they are all paid off. Yet: He’s happy, comfortable, lives in a beautiful house with a great family, and I don’t think he doubts that it all worked out how it’s supposed to.
So there.
Of course it’s scary; I do know. I’m looking at moving across the country and going into debt for law school, and holy crap, that’s a giant leap. But these things work out. I don’t have any idea why that’s the case, but it is. It’s just about leaping for the right reasons, which you and Arthur seem set to do.
So have fun leaping. 🙂
congrats on college yaye!
Oh my! Well, all I can do is relate to you what I went through when my daughter went off to college. It is a very long story with tears of joy, tears of sorrow, anxiety, happiness, surprise, and lots of other emotions and reactions. My baby girl had the audacity to grow up and move on with her life, LOL. She is now married and preganant! I will be a proud GrammerLynne come next January. The wheel turns, things change, life goes on, the beat goes on. Scary times, good times. So if you want to “hear” the full story, holler and I will email you “offlist”. You will get thru this and at the end stand proud at Arthur’s College Graduation. Peace/Lynne