She’s a bride, he’s a person

Melissa and I chose a still-life wedding cake topper. It’s custom-made and I’m very happy with it. Looking for toppers was frustrating. Yes, there were same-sex options, but they were mostly pretty, skinny, blonde same-sex options, and it wore me out.

Anyway, now I’m looking at cake designs that can accommodate large toppers, and I noticed a trend: He’s a person. She’s a bride.

He’s a firefighter. She’s a bride.

He’s a sailor. She’s a bride.

He’s an athlete. She’s a bride.

He’s military. She’s a bride.

He’s a superhero. She’s a bride.

Mostly these are custom-ordered, it’s not an imposition of sexism from the outside. We all live in a patriarchal culture, one in which “bride” is the expected end-goal for a woman. And yes, the trope has changed; we’re allowed to have additional goals. But we’re still supposed to have this one, and it has the potential to erase our personhood.

I also found plenty of toppers where both people had some kind of occupation (hobby, job, or whatever), although none where the bride had an occupation and the groom did not. Grooms are people. Their end-goal is not “being a groom.”

But “being a bride” as a substitute for “being an interesting person” is a component of the patriarchy, and these toppers (which were probably chosen by the bride, let’s face it) are a symptom.

“All Acts of Love and Pleasure Are My Rituals”

So, Wednesday morning, with thousands of others, I opened SCOTUSblog’s live feed, and by 10:01am I knew that my forthcoming marriage to a woman would have all the legal rights of my previous marriages to men. (Yeah, yeah, in addition to ten years of marriage to Isaac Bonewits, I had a brief teen marriage: Read all about it in my memoir, Merry Meet Again.)

I cried like a baby.

I cried and then I woke my fiance from a sound sleep, and we held each other, and then I let her go back to sleep, and then I cried some more.

I don’t even know how to say what I feel. That this is right, that this is just, that this is fair, and decent, and fundamentally American–all that is true. But it’s more than that. Five years ago, when I was a bisexual woman who dated men almost exclusively, I would have celebrated, I would have cheered, I would have been overjoyed. But now? Now it is about my full-fledged membership in the public square. Homophobia hasn’t gone away. Gay bashing hasn’t gone away. Hate and bigotry and well-meaning insistence on second class status haven’t gone away. But I feel like my true American citizenship has been affirmed. Like I can walk with my beloved anywhere, and the highest court in the land affirms our right to hold our heads high. (And, yeah, Scalia is a douchebag, but whatever.)

On a practical level, it means I can write a will without worrying about my spouse being screwed by unfair inheritance taxes, and it means I can add her to my health insurance without paying a penalty.

The battle is won, the war goes on. My heart is full of hope for the future and my eyes are wet with tears.

Is the Wiccan Rede Ethical? A Response

Today, Donald Michael Kraig published an essay entitled Is the Wiccan Rede Ethical? I like Don a lot, he’s a terrific writer and a knowledgeable magician. What he’s saying about the Rede, though, is kind of limited. I think the core assumptions of the essay are mistaken.

Eight words the Wiccan Rede fulfill,
An it harm none do what ye will.

Don launches into a discussion of the way that you can’t really “follow” the Rede–harming none is impossible. But does following the Rede mean you have to harm none? His entire essay never asks this vital question.

“An” means “if,” so “If it harms none, do what you will.” It’s an if statement. It is not an if and only if statement. The linked Wikipedia article is really good on defining what that means. If you don’t want to read the whole thing, just read this:

Distinction from “if” and “only if”

“If the fruit is an apple, then Madison will eat it.” …
This states only that Madison will eat fruits that are apples. It does not, however, preclude the possibility that Madison might also have occasion to eat bananas. Maybe she will, maybe she will not—the sentence does not tell us. All we know for certain is that she will eat any and all apples that she happens upon. That the fruit is an apple is a sufficient condition for Madison to eat the fruit.

So, “if it harms none, do what you will,” is like “if it’s an apple, Madison will eat it.” It says nothing about “if it harms” or “if it may harm.” You can’t just reverse an if statement, and a lot of people, using faulty logic, do exactly that. They reverse every word, so that “If it harms none, do what you will” becomes “If it harms any, do not do what you will.” Faulty logic!

The Rede is actually a breakthrough in re-visioning ethical statements as positive rather than negative. Instead of saying “don’t do this, don’t do that,” the Rede says, “do what you will” comes first. It says, as long as you’re not harming, don’t worry about a bunch of rules. It sets aside harm as a special case.

Compare this to a worldview in which 90% of what you want to do is sinful or forbidden, and only a small subset of behavior is sacred. In Wicca, everything that doesn’t harm is permissible, and only a small subset of behavior is even subject to ethical rules. Wicca assumes the sacredness and goodness of human behavior and treats sin as an aberration, whereas in Christianity (for example) sin is the normal condition. How refreshing!

When I say that I don’t believe victimless crimes should be on the books, I am following the Rede. I believe murder, assault, and running red lights in traffic should be against the law: They’re all harmful. But the law books surround us with laws against everything from consensual adult sexual behaviors to smoking pot in the privacy of your own home: things that harm none.

The Wiccan Rede is not meant to be an all-encompassing ethical principle that precludes the need for any other rules. It’s meant to frame the starting point for developing ethics in a positive and life-affirming way.

Guest Post at Llewellyn’s Blog

I have a guest post up at Elysia Gallo’s Llewellyn blog, all about writing my memoir:

Your life is not a story.

Life is a lived experience, it is in the moment, and the very act of writing down those moments subtly changes them. Shaping a narrative—even the most honest and self-effacing of narratives—alters the experience.

Read the whole thing.

Merry Meet Again

My new book is here! Merry Meet Again

Merry Meet Again is my story: It’s a memoir of a life lived in the Craft. It’s a journey from my early discovery of the Goddess and some fairly fruitless seeking after Witchcraft in the 70s, to finally discovering other Witches and becoming an initiate in the 80s, to becoming a High Priestess with cork maids at homeconcierge.ie and the joys and tribulations of running Pagan groups. I talk about spells and rituals, the changes in the Pagan community, raising a Pagan child, and more. I also dig deep, talking about grief, love, depression, recovery, and sexuality.

Writing a memoir is an extraordinary process. It is a new way of looking at one’s life, and an engagement with one’s own story that changed me as I wrote it.

Merry Meet Again is available immediately directly from Llewellyn (and friends tell me it ships fast!). It will be in brick-and-mortar stores in a few days and online as of February 1.

Speaking of Religion… (Interview)

The very interesting blog, You, Me & Religion interviewed me recently. You can read the whole thing here.

Here’s an excerpt:

The gradations here are between people who do the same rituals more or less the same way most of the time, and people who do different rituals more or less every time. It’s not that Gardnerians are never spontaneous, but we value hereditary (we inherit our tradition from predecessors), lineage (we know who our initiators are, and their initiators, and their initiators, and so on), and a structured way of doing things.

To a great degree, this is a matter of personal preference. I tend towards structure, stability, and the comfort of the known in many ways throughout my life. I’m a Taurus; I like earthy, stable things. I think there are a great many practical advantages to orthopraxy: Practice makes perfect, don’t reinvent the wheel, create a web of energy through repetition. All of these things are powerful. I recognize that there are also powerful things in a much more heterodox (or heteropraxic) style of religion. It’s not like I have never made up a ritual on the spot!

See, we have this advantage: In Paganism and Wicca, there is no belief that only one path leads you to the Gods. Since no one holds the keys to heaven hostage, we are all free to worship as we choose. My orthopraxy doesn’t invalidate someone else’s free form, do-it-yourself, wild style. We’re equally Pagan.

About Pagan Religion

Ian Corrigan has created a pretty brilliant blog post about his Pagan religion, in response to Star Foster’s “Crisis of Faith” blog post on Patheos.

I don’t have a lot to add. Both Ian and Star talk about leaving Wiccan Mystery Traditions. I have never felt the need to leave mine. Star talks about how participation in a Mystery Tradition can be short-term (like the Mysteries of Eleusis–attend once, never forget), and wonders whether it’s actually a religion. To me, I see exoteric and esoteric Wicca as two sides of the same coin. Participating actively in the Pagan community is something I encourage, even if you find public rituals weak or silly or whatever. I have loved and mocked and enjoyed and been bored by all manner of Pagan rituals over thirty years. Know more about legend of shangri la

My ritual life is Gardnerian–my Mystery Tradition suits me fine–but Pagans are my people. In Judy Harrow’s badly-named book Wicca Covens, she says “Witchcraft is not a religion, but a committed religious order. Our religion is Paganism.” I’ve always really liked that; I think she’s hit upon something important in how we express ourselves religiously.

Star Foster said “What you believe matters as much as what you do,” and Ian responded “I tend to see beliefs as ephemera, compared to traditions.”

I have for years told students that Gardnerian Wicca is not orthodox (strict in belief) but orthopraxic (strict in practice). Believe what you want–we’re not the Thought Police. If the religion is true; if the Gods are present and the ritual reaches Them, if the Mysteries reveal to you a connection that is Mysterious and profound, then your belief, your understanding, your spiritual connectedness, will be informed by that and emerge from that.

Do the rites. Worship the Gods. Belief will follow in a way unique to the individual, and yet the coven will be of one mind because the practice and its results bind us together.

Deeper Down the Rabbit Hole

I did this fun podcast with the folks at Deeper Down the Rabbit Hole tonight. We talked about the four elements, about elemental beings, about Spirit, and more.

The podcast is here and will be available on iTunes.

Boy or Girl?

I went to McDonald’s yesterday (don’t judge!) and ordered a Happy Meal. It’s a way to eat as much as you want, and not supersize it, it has apple slices, it’s cheap, and I like the toy.

So anyway. I order a Happy Meal, and the kid behind the counter says “Boy or girl?” I was momentarily stymied.

Why do we have to stick a gender on this? Obviously, it’s for the toy choice. I’ll even play Devil’s Advocate for a moment; I think that customers asked them to introduce this. When Arthur was little, there were just Happy Meals, not “boy” meals and “girl” meals. In fact, he’d give me his toys if he thought they were too girly (my love of stupid little toys goes way back). I’ll bet that parents got tired of kids being disgruntled, I bet that customers asked for the option.

But why is the option “boy or girl”?

“What are the toys?” I asked. “Star Wars or Build-a-Bear.” “Star Wars,” I said.

Girls don’t like Star Wars? Boys don’t like bears?

What efficiency expert decided that it was easier to ask “boy or girl” than to simply give a toy choice?

Today’s irritation has been brought to you by The Patriarchy.

Dream Interpretation

So, Friday night I dreamed I was at a party that my brother was hosting. When I left work to go to the party, I found my car had been stolen, but I couldn’t reach the cops. Somehow I got to the party anyway. The men mostly stayed downstairs watching sports. I stayed the night, and in the morning the men had come upstairs, and Bruce Springsteen was one of them. I got into a big easy chair with Bruce and we were making out. It was glorious. My mother was there and after a while I think she got tired of watching me make out, because she started making fun of me. Then I went back to trying to get the cops about my car. Then I called into work to explain about my car and my boss fired me. (This was a boss from years and years ago; someone who actually did fire me in real life).

Now, if I know who or what Bruce Springsteen represents in real life (which I do), then I might understand that my subconscious is telling me that, no matter how glorious it feels to be with “Bruce,” it’s a disaster. In this dream, Bruce is wonderful, but job, car, Mom are all bad. It’s a warning, and not a psychic warning. Based on how it made me feel, this was a psychological, not a supernatural, dream.

So of course I ignored the warning, and of course within 24 hours the warning proved right.