Okay, part one was negative, and got a surprisingly strong reaction. You must have noticed, though, that despite my negativity, I’m watching the thing.
The phrase that comes to mind for me when enjoying What Not to Wear is “it takes a village.”
It is not news that we live in an increasingly isolated culture. Extended families have given way to nuclear families. Americans socialize in local groups less and less. We have less dependency on social networks like church groups, fraternal organizations, scouting, and on and on. All of these things—family, church, clubs—constituted the “village” that allowed us to be nurtured in diverse ways.
Suppose you grew up in the 1930s and Mom didn’t know how to cook. You could still learn how to cook from Grandma or Auntie or from your next-door neighbor. But now Grandma and Auntie don’t live with you and you probably don’t even know your next-door neighbor. So if Mom and Dad can’t cook, you can’t cook. Or, you watch Rachael Ray.
So with What Not to Wear, you’re learning things you might have learned from your extended network, if people still had those. And in a way, it’s disheartening, that people walk through life clueless, without a lot of the basic information they should have, and it takes a TV show to straighten them out.
Now, I am definitely a person that has picked up information slowly and been clueless about things. So I have plenty to learn in life that I might have or should have or didn’t learn from a “village.” So this show, and shows like it, are surely helpful and interesting. Plus, shopping, colors, sarcasm—all fun. I like the show in those ways. But it does seem like WNtW fills a gap that shouldn’t need filling, rather than merely being entertaining or generally educational.
This was your positive blog?
Positive in that it performs a service that we need. But think about why we need it.
No question – one of the most touching WNtW shows I’ve ever seen included an Asian woman who had had a lumpectomy, and was ashamed because she was a little lopsided. All they had to do was take her to a prosthesis shop where she could be properly fitted…. the poor woman burst into tears when she saw herself in the mirror with two matching boobs. And all I could think was Where the fuck was the post-operative counseling that should have taken care of this when she had the operation? That was a show that made me cry.
And I recognize that there’s a whole nother school of thought that says “You should be lopsided and not worry about it/be proud of it”, but you could tell from watching this woman that that would have been too much cultural conditioning to overcome….
You’re right, it was wildly inappropriate that they didn’t counsel her. No one actually likes being lopsided, plus your clothes don’t fit right.
I was watching one the other day and during the intervention part the woman turned to her friends and said “Why didn’t you tell me? Why do you say ‘You look great’ when I ask you how I look?” And Stacy & Clinton said people are reluctant to say anything because they haven’t got a constructive alternative (which is where they come in).
Now, I think people are reluctant because it’s “none of their business,” which gets me back to my “village” thinking. In a village, it’s everyone’s business.
Really? You like hearing when mom has a wardrobe improving suggestion?
Mom doesn’t have warddrobe improving suggestions for me; I’m too fat to count.
I’m saying we’re not so welcoming of the village. How do you tell someone they’re getting it wrong? I see it all the time; women stuck in the 80’s, women who clearly put a lot of effort into getting it wrong.
If you were… in fact when you were thin enough to ‘count’, mom’s suggestions probably still not so welcome.
I think there’s a sell-by date with getting advice from your mom, and in fact, a lot of the things we are learning from TV are things we should have learned when we were kids or teens.
As well, I think it’s possible to imagine that in a culture where back-and-forth advice-giving is commonplace, it’s not nearly as resented. The fact that we wouldn’t welcome it is a symptom, not a reason.
Interesting.
My blog is coming.
Now, I think people are reluctant because it’s “none of their business,” which gets me back to my “village” thinking. In a village, it’s everyone’s business.
And that’s why I would never live in a village.
And as for not wearing the ‘right’ thing, how about this for a concept: not giving a flying fuck what other people think.
An exerpt from the collection of thoughts floating around up here that will eventually be my blog:
One thing about WNtW is that they do not push the trendiest of trends; in fact they nearly always advise against it. Part of their reasoning is to be investment conscious; buy classic staple pieces that you can mix and match for years to come; and part of it is because generally the hottest trends are not flattering on all but the youngesttallestthinnest.
The show really does promote you as you, with an acknowledgement that there are standards of society. “Imagine her walking into a job interview with that hair” may be bitchy and conformist, but guess what? It’s also a truth.
Another exert from the blog-in-me-head has to do with why and why not we give a flying fuck about what other people think, and how the cultural demands shape our own self-image. This stemmed from a different dialogue, but it seems to all be rolling together.
(This promises to be a big one.)
And as for not wearing the ‘right’ thing, how about this for a concept: not giving a flying fuck what other people think.
That goes several different ways. On the one hand, conforming to the judgement of others is not a good thing.
But people do internalize that stuff. And what I see on the show, and what I know from my own experience, is a lot of “I don’t give a fuck” is a facade layered over “I look like shit.” So you learn to accept yourself the way you look, which is WAY better than not accepting yourself, but makeover shows offer a third possibility: Looking better. And you can totally spin that as self-acceptance; creating an inner vision of how you look and dressing up, towards that. You can also tell a bigger truth about it, which is that “you must look a particular way,” as wounding as it is, is internalized to a great or small degree, and it’s better to step up to the mark than to have a bleeding wound you’re pretending not to give a fuck about.
I don’t think aesthetics are necessarily about how others look. I think there’s pleasing yourself in looking nice. I mean, I don’t give a fuck, to an extent; if I did, I wouldn’t have tattoos. But I do give a fuck as well, not just on job interviews (which, HELLO? All about creating an impression) or dating or whatever, but also just not wanting to be known as the oddball who doesn’t know how to dress.
Employment-related clothing is, of course, a category all its own…but I’m not sure it’s necessarily an exception: I know what my employer expects me to wear, and I conform to those expectations, but that doesn’t mean I care. I would still argue that it’s always a bad thing to internalize somebody else’s standards.
Anyway, it’s the ‘village’ thing to which I was really reacting. You seem to think of the ‘village’, the extended family/social network in which your clothing (and other) choices are ‘everyone’s business’, as a positive thing. To me, it’s a vision of hell. In practice, the ‘village’ operated (and operates) more often to enforce conformity than to help you be you.
As long as “the village” discourages Spandex on anyone built like a human being I’m all for “the village”…….
Roberta said “One thing about WNtW is that they do not push the trendiest of trends; in fact they nearly always advise against it. Part of their reasoning is to be investment conscious; buy classic staple pieces that you can mix and match for years to come; and part of it is because generally the hottest trends are not flattering on all but the youngesttallestthinnest.” That’s something I like about the show… it’s not “You have to buy the trendiest things to be hip”. Plus even though they don’t do guys I’ve learned a lot about what not to wear by looking at Clinton’s shirts…. anything he wears is What Not to Wear!
Tom, I think that a tight community can enforce conformity. AND I think we’ve swung way wide on our pendulum to the other side, where we are all deeply isolated from each other; so much so that we’re watching TV shows to get a clue as to what a community might think, if only we had one.
And Ken, Clinton’s shirts scare me.
Tom, I never gave a flying fuck about what other people thought of how I dressed, too – when I was a teenager. And I had serious self-esteem issues and depression then. And it’s not that I really give so much of a flying fuck now (about what other people think), but I personally like to dress in a way that makes me look better as opposed to a way that makes me look like shit. I still haven’t gotten all the way towards loving myself, but I feel better when I look at myself in the mirror and I’m pleased with what I see. And I think it’s a positive step for my self-esteem to even want to look good, because it means I believe I can look good, even though I’m short, fat, and half crippled.
And even though I like to look good, comfort is always my number one consideration. I won’t dress in clothes that make me uncomfortable, even if they look good.
I do not find the growing up with the lack of extended family a great loss. I learned my great taste in clothing from mother she might have been a facist but until we proved to her we had good taste about age 13. She chose our clothes. I cannot imagine what it would have been like to have been raised with a whole family of extended mini-dictators I shudder I like my isolation just fine I call it adult freedom. In the 1800’s doctors believed that the stress of too many relations and the financial burden of them was one of the causes of the growing rate of cancer. Back then there was too much extended family nowdays there is too little I will take my freedom any day despite occasional tinges of aloneness. Better to watching in-laws fight over which family is better and needs more help. A dysfunctional family only gets more dysfunctional with more people in. I see that everyday out here in the Bible Belt with it large families. I take peace of mind over an abundance of family members any day
[…] this was her issue but she didn’t know what to do about it. Which totally reminded me of what I said about “It takes a village.” I mean, where were her friends or family? Was there no one she could ask to go shopping […]